Rage!
I’m just going to sit here and type today because I don't know what direction this will take. The words are pressing to get out and I couldn't find a pen to put it in my journal. This medium is my second choice but seems to be the most expedient delivery system.
I have been going through my affirmation cards and the cards on forgiveness of our families and moving past old hurts are really striking chords with me today, although not the chords that were meant to be struck. Today, the little girl is PISSED! She is stomping her foot and yelling and being truculent. She doesn’t want to move past the hurts, dammit! She wants someone to be accountable for the bullshit in her childhood. She wants her parents to step up and BE her parents. So they, themselves were victims of their childhood, SO THE FUCK WHAT! Grow up, stop hitting your children, and move the fuck on! I have to grow up and be an adult and accept that the damage caused is not mine to perpetuate, why don’t they?
I don’t want to be accepting and loving. I don’t want to look at my parents as children that need to be healed. I want to rage against them. I want to throw things at them. I want to tell them that they’re assholes and that by hitting us (or allowing us to be hit) or denigrating us or teasing us, they have created HUGE, DEEP, THICK wounds that have turned keloid.
As usual, just typing that has moved me beyond to where I can think clearly. I may continue to write, but I don’t want it to be forced.
In a perfect world, I would be able to look back, pity them and their situations, and forgive. Hell, in a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to do that because I wouldn’t be this damaged adult trying to protect and hide the little girl inside.
I resent that I have to wrestle with this. I resent that I have to deal with this at 37 years of age. I am hurt; so hurt that words cannot express it. The kind of hurt that builds pressure in your chest until you think you will explode with it.
I am tired of fighting this fight.
I have been going through my affirmation cards and the cards on forgiveness of our families and moving past old hurts are really striking chords with me today, although not the chords that were meant to be struck. Today, the little girl is PISSED! She is stomping her foot and yelling and being truculent. She doesn’t want to move past the hurts, dammit! She wants someone to be accountable for the bullshit in her childhood. She wants her parents to step up and BE her parents. So they, themselves were victims of their childhood, SO THE FUCK WHAT! Grow up, stop hitting your children, and move the fuck on! I have to grow up and be an adult and accept that the damage caused is not mine to perpetuate, why don’t they?
I don’t want to be accepting and loving. I don’t want to look at my parents as children that need to be healed. I want to rage against them. I want to throw things at them. I want to tell them that they’re assholes and that by hitting us (or allowing us to be hit) or denigrating us or teasing us, they have created HUGE, DEEP, THICK wounds that have turned keloid.
As usual, just typing that has moved me beyond to where I can think clearly. I may continue to write, but I don’t want it to be forced.
In a perfect world, I would be able to look back, pity them and their situations, and forgive. Hell, in a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to do that because I wouldn’t be this damaged adult trying to protect and hide the little girl inside.
I resent that I have to wrestle with this. I resent that I have to deal with this at 37 years of age. I am hurt; so hurt that words cannot express it. The kind of hurt that builds pressure in your chest until you think you will explode with it.
I am tired of fighting this fight.
posted by zanie @ 8:10 AM
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