No more floaters!

Oh my! Has anyone heard about this? This is not a good thing for those of us that pay our bills or buy our groceries two days before payday! Are they trying to bankrupt me? Egads!

Musings of a Doula

Today is an anniversary of sorts for me. Three years ago today my first doula baby was born after a LONG 36 hours of labor.

Maybe I’m sick, but I love the exhaustion that settles into my bones after I’ve been up all night with a laboring woman and she has delivered a healthy baby. There is nothing greater than watching that tiny head come down the birth canal and crown. There is nothing sweeter than the tears of complete joy as a woman’s baby is placed onto her belly and she gazes upon her child for the first time. And it doesn’t matter if this is her first baby or her tenth; the tears of joy are still there. And I bawl like a fool, too. I cry with her when a woman is struggling in labor. I cry with her when she reaches that emotional wall and she just can’t do one more contraction. I cry, and cry, and cry. At my first birth I gasped and then broke into sobs as a tiny, beautiful, perfect baby girl was delivered into the world.

As a doula you’re supposed to be professional and together and composed. Not this doula. This doula cries in the bathroom where nobody else can see that she is struggling to do her very best to help this struggling mother; this doula cries in the hall when doctors have scared her client so badly that she is succumbing to the pressures for pitocin only a few hours into her labor; this doula cries because she wants the perfect birth for every client, no matter what this woman’s definition of the perfect birth is; this doula cries as a perfect little being is born to her teenage mother and is sent home to repeat the cycle all over again; this doula cries because she cares.

Does it make me a bad doula? No, on the contrary. I think it makes me a better one. Would you rather have a cold clinical woman or someone whose heart bleeds too easily? If you need a doula, I’m your gal.

I will forever be linked to each and every baby I have been with from birth. I have contact with each and every parent and with some, like Baby Girl and Lil Sis, I have an unbreakable bond and never-ending love for them and their mom.

There are no words to describe how fulfilling this job is. My heart soars whenever I think of a delivery that I have witnessed and assisted with. The thought of a brand new life coming into the world is overwhelming sometimes and being invited to be there to witness this event is often more than I can handle.

My biggest frustration in my life? Not being able to be a practicing doula. I am a doula in spirit right now. I have to work in an office and wear suits and comply with the rules so I can pay the bills. My spirit yearns to break free, to soar, to help bring these little perfect lives into the world. But alas, it is not to be for me now.

But someday…

Happy Third Birthday Sophia! Thank you for making me a doula!

A promise broken

Okay, so I swore I wouldn't post about work here but I have a co-worker that is driving me batty and I can't stand it any longer.

Normally S is a nice person. She's funny, she's smart, she works like crazy (much in contrast to my blogging career), and she's a riot to joke around with BUT (and this is a JLo sized but) she goes too far when she's joking around.

Take Tuesday for example. Another co-worker was asking about something that was written on the calendar. I had made a mistake, innocently and through no fault of my own, just following instructions given. She razzed me a bit and I laughed and started to walk away. Then? she started saying stuff like, "What, gotta go hide in your cubicle?" "Can't handle screwing something up?" "Gotta go pout?"

I stopped and looked at her like she'd lost her mind, shook my head and walked away. She didn't stop so I told her to shut the hell up or do the work her own damn self.

She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day. It was nice.

Yesterday she came to work and announced that she had training. Thursdays are our busiest days and everyone knows you don't take a training class on that day, but she did it anyway. All of us were ticked because we were already scrambling at the open of business. She huffed off to training and had the audacity to be mad because we were upset.

I'm not the only one she's bothering. I think the hardest thing is that we were a very cohesive and smooth running office until she came on board. Since then, things have just kind of gone downhill. I used to be close with all of my co-workers but just can't seem to buddy up with her. Maybe it's my resentment because I've been here 3 years and she strolled in 7 months ago and started out making more than I do. That's just not right.

She's gone today and we are having a ball, even though we are working hard today, (okay, except for the time I've spent on here and at Chris' and Zoot's site. ) We're ordering from the Old Spaghetti Factory right this second and I can't wait for lunch to arrive. Yummy!

I need a break!

I need a break. I have had babies for almost two solid weeks. If they were my own children, that would be one thing, but they’re not. I love them to death and wish they were mine and if they were to come live with me full time, in the event their mother couldn’t take care of them anymore, I would embrace the task whole-heartedly and raise them as my own. But they’re not and I am tired. So tired that I am taking next weekend off.

Now, that wouldn’t be such a big deal except that I know they will get farmed out to whomever will watch them so TeenMom and Stoner Boyfriend can get their freak on or smoke a couple bowls or some such thing. It’s the whole farming them out to whoever is available to watch them that kills me. Who knows what kind of wack-a-do will be watching them?! At least when I’m watching them, she knows what kind of nut job I am!

So I am torn. I want to have them but I am exhausted. I need a break. I need to walk through my living room without tripping over the baby gate. I would like to sit at my dining room table and eat without a baby or toddler on my lap. I would like to sleep all frickin’ night! I would like to not have to wash bottles or pick raisins out of my couch and carpet. Cheerios will not be smashed into the chair cushions. There will be no snot on my shoulder from two runny little noses. No wet panties from missing the potty. No poopy diapers. No fighting over toys, no little shoes and socks to wrestle with…Dang I miss those little girls!

But I need a break. (Can you tell I’m trying to convince myself that a break is a good thing?)

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Tonight is Wee G’s Washington DC trip info night. I haven’t filled out the forms yet and I hope it’s not too lengthy because the meeting starts at 6:00. I get home from work at 5:30. That means we’ll have 15 minutes lag time between home from work and leaving again for the meeting. Add to that the fact that I have to find something to eat because I starving to death and then motivate Wee G to get his buns in the car and I have almost no time to fill out paperwork. Ugh. I’m looking at a nomination for Mother of the Year.

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And how cute is this dog? I want a dog so badly, but if I can’t handle two toddlers part-time, how in the world am I going to handle a puppy? Up at night to let her in and out, pooper-scooper for walks, babysitter when we go away. It’s like having another baby!

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Went to Target to get Halloween decorations. Okay, everything there is cute, but I just want some window clings and maybe some paper decorations to hang on my door. Why does everything have to be so complex? I just want some window clings, ALTHOUGH, I really like the witch’s hand that can crawl across the floor on its own. That was cool! It freaked Baby Girl and Lil Sis out so we didn’t buy it but I was laughing my butt off!

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I’ve decided to be Supermom for Halloween. That would entail a business suit with puke stain on the shoulder, a laptop bag, unbrushed morning hair, a run in my nylons, and a stunning red cape with the initials SM on it. Actually, I think that would be fun! Gotta find me a suit. What is everyone else going as?

Slacker Alert!

Well, I always swore I wouldn’t be one of those people who never updated their blog. Alas, I am as lame as lame can be! It’s been over a week, 11 days to be exact, and I’ve finally decided to do something about this. Now? I find myself with a block that I can’t manage to hurdle. I’m just going to write as I feel moved.

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Last Tuesday I got a ticket for failing to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk. Okay, before you all jump on my shit, the kid wasn’t even IN the crosswalk. In fact, I thought he was standing at the school bus stop that is located less than 20 feet from the crosswalk. Gosh, is it any wonder why I was confused?!

The bitch of it all? The fine is $101.00!!!! Geez, I didn’t try and hit the kid, I just blew through the crosswalk at a mind boggling speed of 20 miles per hour! (possibly less because I knew the cop was sitting there clocking people, or so I thought. He was actually watching for idiots who blow through crosswalks in school zones.) Just for the record, this type of police activity is called a "duck pond" as in sitting ducks are easy to shoot.

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I've had both Baby Girl and Lil Sis at the house for the past week and a half. This would be okay if Lil Sis would sleep thorough the night like she used to. But no, there will be no complete nights of sleep in our household as long as Lil Sis is around!!

I've had both Baby Girl and Lil Sis at the house for the past week and a half. This would be okay if Lil Sis would sleep thorough the night like she used to. But no, there will be no complete nights of sleep in our household as long as Lil Sis is around!! Fortunately TeenMom isn’t working that schedule anymore and the girls are back with her full time. I’m too old to sleep sitting up in the recliner holding a 1 yr old because she doesn’t want to sleep in her bed.

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Have you seen the commercials for the show Big Loser? Why does this show bother me so much? Truthfully, I would qualify to be on that show, and, if given the chance, I would gladly go on there. But this show bothers me. I can’t pin-point why.
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Can I tell you how glad I am that I can’t get pregnant? Well, technically I can, but G-man would be on the phone to Dr. Snippy in a heartbeat to find out why the vasectomy didn’t take. I’ve had my baby and will gladly turn over the baby dust to someone who wants more babies. Don’t get me wrong, I love me a nice snuggly, quiet little baby to hold and rock and coo over, I just am too old to be pushing them from my body, getting up several times a night to take care of them, or cleaning up after. And there’s nothing better than assisting a woman who is laboring to bring her child into the world. I just don’t want it to be me.

For those of you that know me, this is a 180 degree turn-around from where I was as recently as a year ago. I would have done anything to have another baby. It’s kind of nice to not expend that kind of energy worrying and fretting about it. Now I’ll worry and fret about my brother and his wife who have used birth control like twice in 10 years and can’t seem to create a new life. THAT is what I’ll stress over from now on.

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I love my Coach purse, but the constant babysitting of the purse so it doesn’t get scratched or marred is wearing on me a bit. I even tossed it into the passenger seat the other day while struggling to get Lil Sis into her car seat. I felt GUILTY for tossing it. I find that sad. Hmmm...such is the price for lovely designer-type things.

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Alas, I must get back to work. I hate when work gets in the way of my blogging!

Blocked

Ugh! Brain freeze. Writer's Block. Ennui. Hungover. Lazy. Exhausted. Blue (no, not smurf-like!)

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Wow! I'm sitting here staring out the window watching the fog roll by. (75 and sunny my ass!) Up at the top of a fir tree there is a huge spider web. As the fog rolls through, the droplets are catching on the web so I can see it as plainly as if it was right outside my window. I know there are several other large webs out there so I'm going to put this on hold and grab my camera as I am suddenly feeling photogenic.

Back now. Damn spider web! Couldn't get a good shot of it as the location in the top of the tree allows it to blend into the sky once I get outside. So, I stood on the back deck, in front of the office window and fired up the ole telephoto lens and took a couple of great shots, I hope.

While I was out there running around the wet grass in Gman's slippers and my nightgown, the neighbor came out of his house and was whistling and puttering around. I'm sure he thought I'd slipped my nut. Ah, screw it. I hope the pictures turn out.

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Went to Gman's 30 year class reunion last night. There was only 1 wife younger than I was. It was fun though to watch all these middle aged people (48/49 yr olds) reminiscing (why is there a c in that word? Bizarre!) about the days when they had hair and fast muscle cars. There were some guys there that looked ancient. Then there were some that looked younger than I do, and that is YOUNG.

PET PEEVE: Standing in a room of people I don't know and having to introduce myself because darling G wouldn't. Grrr. I know he was caught up in his whole reunion thing but more times than not I would have to say, "Hi I'm Zanie, G's wife."

I am so not the Queen of Small talk. In fact, I suck at it. That makes me a lonely person at a gathering where I don't know anyone.

Are you seeing a pattern here? I had a good time, but it was mostly because G was enjoying himself. Not the way I would have wanted to spend the evening but certainly not the worst way I've ever experienced either.

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So we're trying to get ready and get out of the house and be on time for this shin-ding last night. Shaggy and Wee G and Baby Girl were going to stay here and then Cruella was going to pick them all up to go hang out over at her house so Shaggy could go to church in the a.m. We're running late and I am trying to dry my hair so it looks at least a little nice. Baby Girl is wandering through the house. She hadn't felt good all day but seemed to be perking up so I didn't feel bad about leaving her with the boys. She wandered by me and I glanced at her. She looked subdued and a little funny but she can be quirky like that sometimes, especially if we're going out and she's not going with us. All of a sudden, Wee G comes running in yelling, "Mom, Baby Girl just puked on the carpet!!!" So, here I am in my best "I'm the hot young wife" outfit cleaning puke out of my berber carpet ( do I need to say that she had just consumed an entire 8 oz glass of grape juice?!), cleaning up a crying two yr old, and trying to steam clean the rug, all without getting puke on me and still trying to be loving and comforting to the baby. Oh my gosh! It was ugly.

Long story short, we dropped her off with TeenMom and went on to the party, pukeless but a little worse for wear.

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Wow. Guess I'm not so blocked after all. Still blue though. Need some sunshine.