Moving in the right direction, Day 6

So, I thought I was on a roll with posting and journaling but one rotten day threw me off. Since then things have gotten better at work. M and I talked things through more and everything is okay between D and I as well.

I have discovered that I am working my butt off at the office and yet I love my job! The harder I work, the more I like it. Is it because I am working for my friend? I’m sure that’s part of it, but I loved it before M and I became close. My guess is that I am getting the recognition that I have deserved for a long time. Even the mayor is impressed with my work and tells me so. That goes a long way for me! And it seems to have moved beyond the whole “I need someone to tell me how great I am.” at least to degree. I mean, at first it was a huge ego boost to be told how smart/intelligent/vastly underutilized I had obviously been, and it still is, but eventually I started to believe it and now work at that level every day. I believe the psychological term for that is self-fulfilling prophecy. Whatever it’s called, I have decided to embrace it whole-heartedly.

I just purchased two sets of affirmation cards from Louise Hay on Amazon.com. I’m going to get some plain frames from Ikea and hang them in individual frames and make a montage on the wall in MY office (G can have space here but this is MY room.) They will hang there and remind me on a daily basis to nurture myself and take care of myself and tell myself good things. I will have a lovely round mirror hanging opposite the montage to reflect the positive thoughts. I also went to Crystal Voyage by Freighthouse Square and purchased a “Wise Woman” statue. She is standing with her arms circled over her head and has the tree of life on her gown/body. It is beautiful and EXACTLY what I was looking for in my room. Now the hard part has to happen: moving the furniture and painting the wall. Still haven’t gotten the paint yet but have definitely decided on a color: thistle.

Went to a FABULOUS restaurant yesterday, Il Fiasco on 6th Avenue. Had a delicious meal of Duck breast with black currant glaze served with roasted chestnut ravioli. It was a bit of a stretch for me as I like to kind of stay toward the things that I know I like, but the duck was to die for and the ravioli was sublime! We finished dinner off with a chocolate roulade; a thin chocolate cake with a chocolate cream/black currant filling, rolled up jelly roll-style. It was heavenly and I wasn’t stuffed. Always a nice feeling after a great dinner.

Mmmm…dinner is in the oven. Roasted chicken with baby red potatoes and cauliflower. Should be another one of G’s divine meals!

Day 3 a.k.a. Major suckage galore

Started out with a low grade headache. Got to work and didn't really want to be there at all, but I persevered. I noticed that M had a list of "missing" permit numbers on her whiteboard. I copied them down and was going to look up the list when D, the permit tech, saw what I had and promptly took the list from me. He wanted to do it himself. He was instantly in an uproar and nothing I could say would coerce him to just let me do what I was going to do.

M got to work and brought me a latte - YUM! - which I managed to have a single drink of before dumping it into my keyboard, drowning my mouse, and flooding the floor with it, splattering my purse as well. (note to self: get leather cleaner) I spent an hour and a half trying to clean up a grande latte and salvage my keyboard and mouse, to no avail, and cleaning the floor mat under my chair, wipe out my one and only drawer, and my purse. It was great. :-(

M wanted to meet with D and I to let us know she wanted a system in place to alleviate missing permit numbers. D went off like a rocket and started carrying on about how he knew where everything was and how nothing was missing because he knew where things were, etc.

To my ears he then started throwing me under the bus saying I was the reason there were errors and duplicate numbers and inaccurate reports. I started getting upset and kept my tongue, for the most part. When he started martyring himself, I spoke up and said that I was the one that had copied down the number so I could do the work myself. M told D to stop with his defensiveness, told me to stop playing the victim (which infuriated me because that was not at all what I was doing) and told us what had to be done, period. The meeting ended and D went one way, I went the other and M closed her door.

D said, "Amy, I don't know what I said to upset you so much but I'm sorry." I told him I didn't want to talk about it at that time and walked away.

I left for a few minutes (it was at the end of the lunch hour) and when I got back D was in M's office with her, venting. After he was done, I went in and talked to her. I told her I wasn't playing vicitm, just trying to tell him I wasn't expecting him to do the work, that I would gladly do so, and he had no reason to be so upset. She said I sounded like a 4 yr old when I said it, very victim-like, as did D when he was talking about his things. I didn't realize I sounded like that and apologized to her for the drama.

I also apologized to D for it as well.

I felt like he was telling me I wasn't good enough. he was more than happy to point out the errors I had made and allow M to think it was me who made the majority of them.

My blood pressure was through the roof. Not a good thing as then I couldn't work for the rest of the afternoon, well, at least not effectively.

Heartache, headache, nausea a.k.a. Day 2

I don't feel good. I didn't go to work. I don't want to do anything other than sleep but I know it will make my head feel worse. I have been awake off and on since 3:30 this morning. I am exhausted. I have tons of stuff to do at work and I should be there.

I had a sausage croissant this morning for breakfast. it is now sitting in my stomach like a greasy rock, threatening to revisit me. So why do I want another? Probably because G and I are going 'round and 'round again. Let's see if I can sum this up without too many details: M is my boss and we are also very good friends. I make a very concerted effort to be an employee during the work day and not spend time talking and etc. After 5, M and I sit and talk like friends do. Last evening we talked about books, bikes, kids, airplane tickets for Wee G, and her brother in law that told his 18 yr old girlfriend to get an abortion if she wanted to stay with him.

We have been doing this for several weeks. G usually calls to see when I'm coming home. He said he tried to call the office last night and I didn't answer his call. He tried my cell and I didn't hear it ring because it was in my purse under my desk. This apparently hugely tweaked the whole distrust thing because he is now just barely civil to me, even after apologies and promises to call and let him know when I will be home and what I'm doing.

I know he's revisiting last November and I can't blame him for feeling that way but the cold-shoulder is very frustrating. I called him at work this a.m. to let him know I was staying home and it was all he could do to grunt a reply. I will not tip-toe around. I have apologized for being inconsiderate, I made a great dinner, and I've reassured him that I love him. I cannot do anything more. I am a human and I make mistakes.

The problem is that I enjoy having M as a friend but she is very much like me: on the weekends, her time belongs to her family and honestly, I feel like I'm intruding if I call and talk to her or ask her to do something. That limits the time we can spend doing friend-type things. Truthfully, I don't think G understands what a close friendship is like and he is jealous of the time I spend with M. I don't know. I just know I'm getting spanked for spending time with a friend. No, that's not true. I'm getting spanked because I repeatedly spent time with M after work and didn't let G know when I would be home.

Either way, I am tired of thinking about it. I'm going back to bed.

Day 1 of the rest of my life

Okay, with the help of my counselor, I’ve decided to make this space my place to keep track of what I eat and when, as well as my exercise and methods to find my true self. Since my only viewing audience is my counselor (Hi Kathy!) I’ll not try so hard to bring on the funny, but rather to write from a place of integrity. If I feel funny, I’ll be funny and if I feel sad, I’ll be sad.

So, the morning started off with an inauspicious breakfast: a piece of chocolate cake with bittersweet chocolate ganache “icing”. Not the healthiest breakfast, by any stretch of the definition. Now I’m drinking a mug of French vanilla hot chocolate. I should probably eat a cheese stick to even out the carbs with some protein and a little fat so I don’t end up scattered and spacey from too much sugar. I brought an apple as well but I think I’ll have that with lunch.

I can’t wait for lunch as I brought a salad I got at Trader Joes. It’s on a bed of greens and has walnuts, red peppers, and a leaf of endive filled with herbed goat cheese with vinaigrette dressing. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Maybe instead of thinking about it, I should focus on working. Nah…

After the 14 mile ride on Sunday, my butt bones are finally recovering. I’m struggling to move today but the Advil hasn’t kicked in yet. I would like to ride again today but I’m not so keen on the hills in our neighborhood and really, by the time we get home, it’s almost dark. I’m all about exercising but I’m not really keen on being a moving target in the dark. Maybe I can get Gman to move the treadmill so I can use that. He said he would if I promised to walk on it. I promised but it hasn’t moved.

Hmmm…it’s Tuesday. I wonder if the surplus store got any laptops in…

Later...

So I'm eating the salad and while it's not as good as I had hoped, it is pretty good. The goat cheese is a little too strong for my taste. I will eat it because that's about all I have to eat for lunch today, but I don't think I'll buy it again. I'll have my cheese stick and my apple and call it good.

I think for dinner I'll make the Buca di Beppo Lemon Chicken. It looks easy and I bet it would be tasty over a bed of angel hair pasta. Maybe some sort of veggie other than salad would be good, too. I'm rather saladed out. We've had it for three days now and as much as I like the champagne dressing with the honey glazed almonds, I'm tired of it. Maybe some green beans with toasted slivered almonds....mmmmm that's the plan.

Maybe I should walk on my lunch hour. I just don't want to work up a sweat during that hour and then have to come back to work and be all sweaty and possibly stinky. Not a good look for me. Maybe M would want to walk with me. I bet she would because she's a big cheerleader for me. I'll ask her this afternoon when she gets back from her meeting.

I cannot decide on a paint color for my room. G bought me a computer program where you can upload a picture of the room you want to paint and "test" the paint colors in there. I thought I had decided on a color until he brought that home. Now, I have to decide from about 12 different colors that I really like ranging in hue from Burnt Plum to a pretty shade of purple. I want to go with purple but I'm really partial to burgandys and plums. I just think if I don't go with the purple, I will regret it because when will I have another opportunity to paint a room that color? I do want to get it in gear though because I want to get it done and have my own space. How fun would that be??! I have a lamp picked out and I'm searching for other things to accessorize. I want to go with purples and reds and other jewel tones. Well, I guess that decides the paint color, doesn't it...